The Darkness is my Master

I hope this is at an end now.

I hope that you don't feel the need to constantly watch me.

There isn't anyone else and there never was, I said I wouldn't do that.

And I didn't.

So whatever is in your fucked up head, let it go.

I've kept every abusive word you've sent. And have witness to you following me and to the verbal abuse you have subjected me to since you have been gone.

Nothing I ever did to you gives you the right to treat me as you do now.

No single person has ever scarred my soul the way you have.

I am bound within this fear of uncertainty and where the truth lies.

My life has no boundaries right now , but still I fear.

I don't want to step into the light.

For here I am sheltered.

The darkness has a smile that warms my aching heart,

And caresses my soul into sweet submission.

And here within the blackness of solitude,

I am safe.

Guarded from all fears.

But alone.

For now

Adoringly yours

Sugar x

In the corridors of my mind

I was hoping for a lie in today!

I had no kids, no job to get up to, nothing to rush around for this morning and yet still my body refused to relax and go with the flow......

I was awake at just gonna 7am, I looked at the clock and groaned.

I hadn't gone to bed 'til gone 2am.

Had a late night conversation with a good friend who'd a had a few bevvies and decided that he'd like to talk to a friend...lol

I think we talked for almost an hour and a half, by then he'd sobered up!

We talked about some really deep, intense stuff for an early morning call.....his relationship, the state of my private life and my impending insanity.

There is so much going on around me right now, I don't think I've ever been this afraid to be open and trust my feelings and instincts.

I'm just so wary of everything and everyone, their motives and their future plans.

I'm looking at my own history and analysing the hell out of every small compliment and loving word....did they really exist?

Am I really that cold, unfeeling bitch he painted me out to be?

Was that feeling real?

Do I know what it is to really Love?

I'm so very afraid that what's happening now is some cruel set up and that there are people lining up to watch me take a fall, again!

See...paranoia is setting in.

I had a nightmares last night, not had them in a while. I guess my subconscious is open to all my insecurities.

They weren't pleasant at all.

And even in the warmth of daylight it's hard to shake the real fear that what may come in dreams may only be a hair's breadth from reality.
Scary thought indeed.

Adoringly yours

Sugar x

Thank F*&$* it's Friday!!!

Omg, I can't believe this week is almost over.
I am exhausted both emotionally and physically...I feel like my soul has been dragged headlong through every conceivable emotion and back again.
Tied into these emotions, these thoughts that I could do without.
Images and words that tug at my heart pulling me this way and that.
It's not been an easy week.

But there have been a few silver linings amongst the grey shapeless clouds.
One of which was the start of my new job, albeit temporary.
I've had fun, but worked incredibly hard these last couple of days.
There have been a few other things that have made me smile, from the inside out.
But for now those I am keeping to myself.
Choosing to tread cautiously in this new skin of mine and having had my private voice quoted back to me word for word I am a little tentative with what I choose to reveal...for now.
Enjoy your weekend.

Adoringly yours

Sugar x

Thank you

I dunno what to say really...

1) 'cos you just shocked the hell out of me..not many people follow through with what they say they are gonna do. And you just did!
2) I'm pretty on edge right now, unsure really of what to reveal of myself here knowing what can happen..

I think I'm gonna remain a little coy for now.
You come across as a genuine person, pretty level headed and honest....
And please don't take that the wrong way, I'm just not sure who to trust right now and that's a pretty unsettling feeling.
Looking over your shoulder, checking your phone, your answer machine.....

I feel like I'm living in a bubble and I'm safe here.
But I know all too soon, life in general tends to fuck up the best laid plans, or intervenes in the most inconvenient of places.
I dunno how to convey my thoughts to you right now.
Except to say Thank you, you know what you did and it was appreciated more than you know.

Adoringly yours

Sugar x

To whom it may concern...

Dear Friend of Biker Guy,

Thank you so much for not only revealing, my private site and all it's contents to a man who already is emotionally teetering on the edge of madness. But for sharing with him all the so called 'sordid' details of my night out.
I changed my web address as well you know, if you've been reading, so that I could share my most private thoughts without hurting the ones I love/loved and so that I had a place to go to scream, shout or just to feel sorry for myself.
I'd like you to know wot exactly your 'act' of friendship has done....

Not only was I followed today, unknowingly.
I have also had to endure endless texts, some telling how much he loves me, how much he misses me and that I'll never have another man love me the way he does.
Other texts that are a little more sinister and probably not really the man you know.
How I'm just "a fuck to him'" "I never really loved him, I was using him as a sex object!"
And then there is the best ones of all, the pleading, begging texts, the ones telling me he'll be out of my life forever, he can put this to rest, one "last fuck" and we can both go on with our lives without "fuckin each other up anymore"!

Then...... he follows me home, bangs on the door and asks if he can come in?
I tell him No, I have a child here and can he lower his voice.
So, I get the so "who is he then?" "I know your seeing someone....."
I try and deny it, try to defend myself.
I have nothing to hide.
There is No 'Someone'!
But he doesn't believe me and the nasty, name-calling and threatening behaviour starts.
So I ask him to leave and I shut the door.
Still he doesn't stop....
Through the letter box now, we have abuse...
"Speak to me, you will speak to me!!!"
"I'll do ya fuckin car in if you don't open the door, you know I've got stuff on ya...all those pics and videos I've got of you, I'll post them on MySpace and don't think I won't do it either....."

At this point I have to admit, I'm a little scared, for one I need my car and it's parked outside in full view of the street the entire time. Two he does, or did (so I thought) have a variety of pictures on his phone of me, the kind a nice, horny girlfriend sends her guy when he is at work on a night shift, or just to show him that she misses him...
He's yelling, still. I have a kid in the house, he's followed me, threatened me, abused me...all in one day.

I've thought about moving this site again, but what's the point, whoever you are you've found me once so I guess it wouldn't be long before you found me a second time, not that i was hidden from view, just exercising my right to live my life as I choose..... a little more privately.

So next time you think on sharing a little gossip with your friend, know that the last time it ended with a frightened, anxious woman behind a closed door, with a confused child who had no idea why the person who was looking after him was suddenly reduced to tears by a phone call 3 minutes later and as a result has been forced to go down the legal route of making this separation final and non negotiable.

I hope you can sleep at night.

Sugar x

Waiting for the phone to ring....

...can be as frustrating as hell.

Hmmmmm

There's no fool like an old fool I guess!

Adoringly yours

Sugar x

Ahhhhh *contended sigh*

I had a fuckin ball.
I felt great.
Was in great company.
Had way too much to drink.
Then sobered up.
Danced my arse off for 5 hours.
Got rid of some demons that were plaguing my soul.
Met several guys, most of which were complete arseholes.
Although there is always a diamond in the ruff.
And NO I hear you screaming at the screen, I am not going down that path again, not yet!
But someone I met changed my opinion about a few things.
Made me look from another angle.
He's one of life's good guys.
A true gentleman.
Someone who puts the needs of those he loves before his own.
A man who thinks no price is too high.
And no sacrifice is too great.
Somebody who I'd feel honoured to call a friend.
Tim, I think you're awesome.
Take care of yourself.

Adoringly yours

Sugar x

NB..I did not go out dressed like this, *smiles* I get enough unwanted attention as it is!!. Just couldn't resist the playfulness of this picture.