Postcards from the heart

I know it's strange,
But I miss the sound of you,
The way your soft lilted accent slides in and out of our conversations.

I know it's strange,
But I miss watching the minutes tick by waiting for your call,
Longing for the smile in your voice.

I know it's strange,
But I miss the comfort of knowing you are in my tomorrow,
As you slowly reveal yourself to me, cautiously but with honesty.

I know it's strange,
But I miss the fiery warmth in my blood,
That heat as you stand a little too close to me.

I know it's strange,
But I miss the sweet, gentle touch of your lips,
As they tentatively introduce themselves to mine.

I know all these things may seem a little odd. And really what is it that we are doing here?
This "thing" has yet to start if it ever really existed. Surely there is only heartache here, what else may come of this attraction?
Is that what this is?
Or is it something else entirely.

Is this just lust and loneliness combined? One stranger lost and in need of comfort, the other not yet lost but needed to be loved, wanted and adored?
Is this just two people frantically searching for the light in the darkness, two souls adrift in need of nourishment, dining at the first welcoming table they find?
Is this a man who's life is at a crossroads and who no longer wishes to live half a life, who is ready to hold out a hand and offer at least a part of himself to another?
Who saw something beyond a smile and a pleasing word,
Who's spirit was curious enough to follow this lead.
Or is this just a "devil" of a man playing with time?
Feeding on insecurities with only one goal on his agenda?
Is this a man with no principals except when it comes to guarding his own safety?
Who is this man?

Please don't make me wait!
I miss you...

Adoringly yours

Sugar x

Distant memories from a friend

Distant memories, the ones you cant quite remember but you will never quite forget. If all of us have memories that we wish to lay to rest then how do we move on and how do we go about our lives at best.



These are the thoughts that can haunt a man from day to day whether he wishes to remember them or not, yes these are the things that can drive a man to the edge of darkness and leaves him with no idea how to retreat. I have these memories trapped within my soul and have souls trapped within my spirit, you see a man can only be as good as the people allow him that become his family and thus become his life. If there is a god and I hope and in an ironic way that there is, then shall I be forgiven for all that I have done. Yes if there is a god and there is a reckoning at the end, I was once told by a reliable source that he would forgive me for anything, I wonder if this is true and like an insurance salesman once said, everything covers anything but that which you wish to claim for, except that which you need, does it seem like I am rambling, does it seem that I don't quite know where I am in this life at this present time. Hey you would be right, if you can make any sense of this then you are truly a better person than I.



You see when a good friend of mine asked for a guest article to be written, fantastic things went through my mind, after reading the beautiful poetry, comments and thoughts that have been left on her site, the some what more extravagant side of me was going to write you an elaborate tale of sex, lies and imagination and then I began to think, HEY nobody is going to read this so I can actually write down what ever is on my mind at this time, so here's for the short stuff.



I love my wife, she makes me complete, I love my lover she's fantastic in bed, out of bed, on the kitchen side and any other place we get the urge and best of all I love my best friend, who sits here typing for me, as if she didn't I would still be here a week next Tuesday with one very sore finger. So there you go the ramblings of a lunatic.



Thank god sugar's coming back otherwise I might have to fill this with porn next time.

Oh bugger it, read the next one and I will see what I can do, after all I have got to have one seriously perverted thought in my mind worth talking about, after all I did say I wanted forgiveness.



Ghostwalker

Away..for a while

This morning, in three and a half hours precisely my brother will be picking up myself and the kids and taking us to the airport, where at 9am we will board a flight to go see my Mum for two weeks of R & R... I can't wait.
This break has been a long time coming, it's been booked since April and promised for the last two years, sadly we will be one short, my eldest daughter's father hasn't allowed her to come (double Grrrrr) on this trip. The trip was booked when I was with Biker Guy, so not only do I have a spare ticket I can't fill I can't cancel it either, so I am at a loss in all directions.
I'm a little nervous about travelling on my own with the kids, we have E-tickets which we have to pick up on arrival so once they are in my hand and I am at the boarding gate I will be worry free, well that's if I've managed to keep my sanity with two tired, over excited and no doubt bored kids! I will be filling there rucksacks shortly with a whole manner of goodies to keep them occupied for the journey, with luck!
And what do I have in mine? A large dose of sanity and plenty of headache pills, I do not intend to go sleep tonight, for one I am afraid I may not wake up on time and I am my brother;'s alarm call and two, chances are I'd fall asleep just as the alarm was about to go off, so I'm biting the bullet and keeping awake all night and will hope to sleep on the plane.
Although sod's law I haven't been sleeping lately and tonight when i need to be awake, I feel incredibly tired...go figure!!
I still have cases to unpack and re-pack, took too many clothes last time we went, this time I am being ruthless, I mean how many clothes can you wear lying on the beach all day???
I am gonna miss my friends, my good friend C who I speak to at least twice a day will be on my mind while I am away I'm sure, I will be looking forward to a coffee and a gossip when I get back sweetheart.
And as for you I'm gonna miss your presence more than I dare to admit, you've become a shard of light in this constant darkness.
When I feel like my head is drowning in all this negative shit around me, there you are with a cheerful word or an optimistic notion.
I just want you to know I am appreciative of your time and although I yell for more I know that patience is a virtue...sadly virtue is not my middle name!
There maybe other's writing here while I am gone, or even myself if I can be bothered to drag myself out of the sunshine and into an Internet cafe...you never know the need to blog or at least read and comment on others is an almost irresistible urge.
So for now it's Au Revoir until I return.
Take Care of each other.

Adoringly yours

Sugar x

For now I wait

You looked right at me,

Again, I couldn't drag my gaze away.

Your eyes seemed to beckon me with their dark intent,

Or is that just my lustful imaginings.

It was sheer agony standing so close to you and yet not touching,
Feeling the heat rise within me,

Aching to touch that face,

Feel those lips upon mine,

Tasting the sweetness of a promise fulfilled.

My body sighs,

As your closeness ignites each of my senses,

Feeding this desire,

This need to open myself to you.

And yet I retreat,

Too afraid to feel what is before me,

Hearing only what I choose to hear,

Ignoring all logic and reason.

Instead immersing myself in fear and doubt,

Never once daring to allow this feeling to be real,

Too afraid to even contemplate your next move.

I want to be in control,

But I know it's not possible.

So I wait....

Adoringly yours

Sugar x

Torn...

....and twisted inside and out.
Needing a moment,
A memory,
Something real to quell these doubts.
Such anticipation,
Sweet, sweet agony of waiting,
Shattered by unexpected events.
My longing drowns in disappointment.
My heart is full,
And yet it ceases to bleed.
I reach for some kind of control,
Something to stop these dizzying thoughts,
But there is nothing.
Just a dull emptiness, that blackens my spirit.
Tears fall once more,
Uncontrolled and merciless,
I think this cup hath finally runneth over,
As I sit here on the edge of sanity,
Screaming at the darkness,
"Take me, I am yours..."

Adoringly yours

Sugar x

FFS

How the fuck do you do that?

Make me cry at the drop of a hat!

Lull me in to a false sense of security, talk nicely to me, wish me well and then the questions start, the accusations, the traps you try to set for me to fall straight into.

But when the tables are turned and someone has told me about what you've said, what sordid tales you are spreading around about me...well that's a different story isn't it...got your back up didn't it, made you angry...again.

Angry enough to make me give up the conversation.

Angry enough for me to know when to just stop listening and get away from you.

"I love you so much and that's why I do crazy things, 'cos I am mad, but about you!"

As always it would have to be my fault, twisting it round, you wouldn't be as nasty if you didn't love me so much?????

What the fuck is that all about???

And yeah I ran from you, I had to, I was working and you were way out of order.

I know you're watching me, or someone is.

I find that pretty disturbing, that you need to know every detail of my life.

Leave me the fuck alone!

Is that clear enough???

And you, you sounded different today, I couldn't put my finger on what it was. I asked but you said it was nothing.

I ask too many questions I know.

I have this compulsion to know every little detail.

There was a distance in your voice that I never noticed before and when we'd finished talking those questioning doubts wracked my head for hours.

I guess I saw something that wasn't there.

Read too much into words I'd waited to hear, maybe I never heard them at all....

Crazy girl!

Adoringly yours

Sugar x

Frustrations..

Dammit!
Today wasn't long enough either..
Well it was in one respect because I was in school all day, a course this morning, leading into lunchtime and working with the kids all afternoon.
Then a quick trip across town to drop the kids off then worked my other job 'til eight then popped over to see a friend, then finally headed home around 10pm.

Little 'un had me up at 5.30 this morning, the tooth fairy had been you see, we lost our second tooth last night while she was cleaning her teeth! She said she couldn't sleep, so I growled at her (I'm not a morning person) and she got into my bed...big mistake! She jiggled and shifted around until about quarter past six when I decided enough was enough, got up, but the TV on downstairs for her, got her some breakfast and some juice and crawled back up the stairs where I continued her restlessness until about 7am when I could stand it no longer and got up for good!
But it wasn't long enough, you know what I mean, there is never enough time to say all that I need to say or hear....
It can be a might frustrating.
And there has been plenty of that lately!

And being out of control of a situation is not something I am used to, wanting more than I have already. And trying to adjust to boundaries that are alien to me are just a little frightening and at times overwhelming.

I wasn't expecting to hear what I did, I wanted to, hoped to even.
But never dared that I would.
But once those words had been spoken I couldn't get them out of my head.
And then the doubts set in......
Again!

Adoringly yours

Sugar x

Getting it done!

Today feels like a better day.

I actually got something done today...I have endless to do lists lately and none of them ever seem to get achieved, but today...I ticked all the boxes.

Today it was my friend's kids birthday's, two of her girls on the same day. So I popped over with coffee and a cake that myself and the kids had decorated lovingly...a tub of butter cream, some silver balls, pink icing and an entire bag of Rowntrees treats later and it was damn near perfect, well that's what I told the kids anyhow!

I had a nice chat with my friend, enjoyed the sunshine and just kicked back for a little while.

It felt good to be just Sugar for a few hours.

I had a Dr's appointment this morning that made me pretty nervous, but all is ok, just more of the same....girl's stuff is the bane of my life!!!

Had a brief chat with another friend that I am beginning to trust, I have no reason to doubt their honesty only the fact that my head is so fucked up right now I just dunno which way is up sometimes!

But I am trying, honest!

Tonight I have another good friend coming over to dinner, it's been a while since we've really chatted and I'm looking forward to her company. We're going to do girly things, like dye each other's hair...lol Mine will be the very conservative pillar-box red!!!

So here's to tomorrow, a brighter day and a more determined attitude (well that's my aim anyhow!)

Adoringly yours

Sugar x

UPDATE: Ok, so I said 'pillar-box red'...well it's more day-glo orange, with blonde streaks!!! Not that I mind, I can't remember the last time I had ordinary hair lol
And just so you know, today wasn't long enough and I'm counting the hours 'til tomorrow...sad cow I know!

Nite xx

Endless Sorrow

In memory of those who's lives fell silent,

Who's tears no longer fall,

Who's hearts beat no more,

But who's courage will be remembered for an eternity,

May your wings forever be unfurled,

As your spirit echoes a silent promise,

In the memory of those who have loved and lost,

So that this day is never forgotten.

In our thoughts today,

Tommorow,

And always.

Adoringly yours

Sugar x

On hold...

..my life that is.
Hiding in my own shadow.
I've cried more times than I care to recall today.
A few simple words, a lost memory, a hand stretched out for comfort, losing my way to a friends house that I've be been to a thousand times before, a call from a friend who's words are exactly what I need to hear but are too afraid to trust.
Today has not been good.
I think I just got up wrong, my body although exhausted refusing to recharge itself with the peacefulness of sleep, although I am sure it will come eventually.
My head is spinning and I have no way to stop it.
These pounding thoughts in my head have a voice that deafens me.
I know there is no logic or reason for the confusion I feel but I guess it's just self preservation kicking in.
You will just have to prove me wrong.

Adoringly yours

Sugar x

The Darkness is my Master

I hope this is at an end now.

I hope that you don't feel the need to constantly watch me.

There isn't anyone else and there never was, I said I wouldn't do that.

And I didn't.

So whatever is in your fucked up head, let it go.

I've kept every abusive word you've sent. And have witness to you following me and to the verbal abuse you have subjected me to since you have been gone.

Nothing I ever did to you gives you the right to treat me as you do now.

No single person has ever scarred my soul the way you have.

I am bound within this fear of uncertainty and where the truth lies.

My life has no boundaries right now , but still I fear.

I don't want to step into the light.

For here I am sheltered.

The darkness has a smile that warms my aching heart,

And caresses my soul into sweet submission.

And here within the blackness of solitude,

I am safe.

Guarded from all fears.

But alone.

For now

Adoringly yours

Sugar x

In the corridors of my mind

I was hoping for a lie in today!

I had no kids, no job to get up to, nothing to rush around for this morning and yet still my body refused to relax and go with the flow......

I was awake at just gonna 7am, I looked at the clock and groaned.

I hadn't gone to bed 'til gone 2am.

Had a late night conversation with a good friend who'd a had a few bevvies and decided that he'd like to talk to a friend...lol

I think we talked for almost an hour and a half, by then he'd sobered up!

We talked about some really deep, intense stuff for an early morning call.....his relationship, the state of my private life and my impending insanity.

There is so much going on around me right now, I don't think I've ever been this afraid to be open and trust my feelings and instincts.

I'm just so wary of everything and everyone, their motives and their future plans.

I'm looking at my own history and analysing the hell out of every small compliment and loving word....did they really exist?

Am I really that cold, unfeeling bitch he painted me out to be?

Was that feeling real?

Do I know what it is to really Love?

I'm so very afraid that what's happening now is some cruel set up and that there are people lining up to watch me take a fall, again!

See...paranoia is setting in.

I had a nightmares last night, not had them in a while. I guess my subconscious is open to all my insecurities.

They weren't pleasant at all.

And even in the warmth of daylight it's hard to shake the real fear that what may come in dreams may only be a hair's breadth from reality.
Scary thought indeed.

Adoringly yours

Sugar x

Thank F*&$* it's Friday!!!

Omg, I can't believe this week is almost over.
I am exhausted both emotionally and physically...I feel like my soul has been dragged headlong through every conceivable emotion and back again.
Tied into these emotions, these thoughts that I could do without.
Images and words that tug at my heart pulling me this way and that.
It's not been an easy week.

But there have been a few silver linings amongst the grey shapeless clouds.
One of which was the start of my new job, albeit temporary.
I've had fun, but worked incredibly hard these last couple of days.
There have been a few other things that have made me smile, from the inside out.
But for now those I am keeping to myself.
Choosing to tread cautiously in this new skin of mine and having had my private voice quoted back to me word for word I am a little tentative with what I choose to reveal...for now.
Enjoy your weekend.

Adoringly yours

Sugar x

Thank you

I dunno what to say really...

1) 'cos you just shocked the hell out of me..not many people follow through with what they say they are gonna do. And you just did!
2) I'm pretty on edge right now, unsure really of what to reveal of myself here knowing what can happen..

I think I'm gonna remain a little coy for now.
You come across as a genuine person, pretty level headed and honest....
And please don't take that the wrong way, I'm just not sure who to trust right now and that's a pretty unsettling feeling.
Looking over your shoulder, checking your phone, your answer machine.....

I feel like I'm living in a bubble and I'm safe here.
But I know all too soon, life in general tends to fuck up the best laid plans, or intervenes in the most inconvenient of places.
I dunno how to convey my thoughts to you right now.
Except to say Thank you, you know what you did and it was appreciated more than you know.

Adoringly yours

Sugar x

To whom it may concern...

Dear Friend of Biker Guy,

Thank you so much for not only revealing, my private site and all it's contents to a man who already is emotionally teetering on the edge of madness. But for sharing with him all the so called 'sordid' details of my night out.
I changed my web address as well you know, if you've been reading, so that I could share my most private thoughts without hurting the ones I love/loved and so that I had a place to go to scream, shout or just to feel sorry for myself.
I'd like you to know wot exactly your 'act' of friendship has done....

Not only was I followed today, unknowingly.
I have also had to endure endless texts, some telling how much he loves me, how much he misses me and that I'll never have another man love me the way he does.
Other texts that are a little more sinister and probably not really the man you know.
How I'm just "a fuck to him'" "I never really loved him, I was using him as a sex object!"
And then there is the best ones of all, the pleading, begging texts, the ones telling me he'll be out of my life forever, he can put this to rest, one "last fuck" and we can both go on with our lives without "fuckin each other up anymore"!

Then...... he follows me home, bangs on the door and asks if he can come in?
I tell him No, I have a child here and can he lower his voice.
So, I get the so "who is he then?" "I know your seeing someone....."
I try and deny it, try to defend myself.
I have nothing to hide.
There is No 'Someone'!
But he doesn't believe me and the nasty, name-calling and threatening behaviour starts.
So I ask him to leave and I shut the door.
Still he doesn't stop....
Through the letter box now, we have abuse...
"Speak to me, you will speak to me!!!"
"I'll do ya fuckin car in if you don't open the door, you know I've got stuff on ya...all those pics and videos I've got of you, I'll post them on MySpace and don't think I won't do it either....."

At this point I have to admit, I'm a little scared, for one I need my car and it's parked outside in full view of the street the entire time. Two he does, or did (so I thought) have a variety of pictures on his phone of me, the kind a nice, horny girlfriend sends her guy when he is at work on a night shift, or just to show him that she misses him...
He's yelling, still. I have a kid in the house, he's followed me, threatened me, abused me...all in one day.

I've thought about moving this site again, but what's the point, whoever you are you've found me once so I guess it wouldn't be long before you found me a second time, not that i was hidden from view, just exercising my right to live my life as I choose..... a little more privately.

So next time you think on sharing a little gossip with your friend, know that the last time it ended with a frightened, anxious woman behind a closed door, with a confused child who had no idea why the person who was looking after him was suddenly reduced to tears by a phone call 3 minutes later and as a result has been forced to go down the legal route of making this separation final and non negotiable.

I hope you can sleep at night.

Sugar x

Waiting for the phone to ring....

...can be as frustrating as hell.

Hmmmmm

There's no fool like an old fool I guess!

Adoringly yours

Sugar x

Ahhhhh *contended sigh*

I had a fuckin ball.
I felt great.
Was in great company.
Had way too much to drink.
Then sobered up.
Danced my arse off for 5 hours.
Got rid of some demons that were plaguing my soul.
Met several guys, most of which were complete arseholes.
Although there is always a diamond in the ruff.
And NO I hear you screaming at the screen, I am not going down that path again, not yet!
But someone I met changed my opinion about a few things.
Made me look from another angle.
He's one of life's good guys.
A true gentleman.
Someone who puts the needs of those he loves before his own.
A man who thinks no price is too high.
And no sacrifice is too great.
Somebody who I'd feel honoured to call a friend.
Tim, I think you're awesome.
Take care of yourself.

Adoringly yours

Sugar x

NB..I did not go out dressed like this, *smiles* I get enough unwanted attention as it is!!. Just couldn't resist the playfulness of this picture.