Explaining myself...

...well as fully as I can here.
Friday's post was because I was waiting for your call, needing to hear from you, hoping to hear...
I thought you were gonna call Wednesday, but No and Yes I understand that at times it is difficult for you and I appreciate that. But something you said played on my mind...
"I can't give you any kind of commitment because of my situation.....you know they come first. I really like you and I would love it if we're really close friends ...... you've been hurt and I'm worried that this is not what you need right now...."
You said quite a lot actually, not that I was listening at the time, cos all I wanted to do once I had you to myself was get close to you.
You were right of course.
I need more, right now I need commitment and security and a phone number I can actually use!!!
I went crazy for two days waiting for a phone call from a man who has very little of himself to give, and I have so much...so much inside of me just bursting to to convey to the world. But I don't want to hide, don't wanna shield myself from my friends.
I've hurt enough, and even though it was only a few weeks, I realised that I wanted way more than you were able to give, I'm sure I'm worth more than that.
The fucked up post was because I thought when we said Goodbye, the kiss..... that that was it, it didn't feel right, did it to you? I dunno whether it was nerves or just fate slapping us in the face, but I felt like it was pretty much one sided and that didn't make me feel too good.
I'm sorry you've not been able to get hold of me, it wasn't intentional. My phone went tits up this morning, yesterday I wasn't around and you know if you leave me a message I have no way of saying I received it or returning the favour either.....
My head is sorted at last, I know what I want.
I've just gotta sit and wait for that clock to tick a little more...

I hope we remain friends, I think your one of life's good guys and I'd like to think we made a connection, I guess maybe it just wasn't the right time for either of us.
Keep Smiling.

Adoringly yours

Sugar x

FUCK NO!

Fuck!

Fuck!!

Fuck!!!

Dammit I think I screwed up.

And there is fuck all I can do about it, except, to say I'm sorry.

I'm Sorry....

Adoringly yours

Sugar x

I have no control here

I still feel your presence,
Even after your whispered Goodbye.
Your taste lingers on my lips,
Intoxicating these veins with a 'demon' I try hard to control.
Desire ravages my thoughts,
As I struggle helplessly to still this fiery blood.
I have no control here.
My hands want to touch,
Needing to devour every inch of you.
Welcoming each curve and sinew,
Relishing every inch of this newness.
I can feel Lust's determined hands around my throat,
Kneading this wanton ache.
Feeding my hunger and yet...
Drenching me with a thirst that consumes each waking thought.
I have no control here.
My fingers longing to satisfy this need you have aroused once more,
Dance playfully amongst this wickedness.
Knowing there is only one end to this game,
My flesh burns as ambition envelopes each last thread of resistance.
For here in the flames of admiration,
I go willingly into this impassioned playground.
I have no control here,
And nor do I wish to!

Adoringly yours,

Sugar x

Lost...

Confused and unsure.

Did I make you run?

I'm sorry...

Adoringly yours,

Sugar x

Patience...

.......is what she said.
It's what you need!

And she was right.

With patience, I smiled once more this morning.
Put right some things that had been on hold and playing on my mind.
Heard a few things that made me question whether I am on the right path again,
But I've kind of vowed not to look too far ahead, not to have too many self doubts and just go with my gut feeling, rather than trying to analyse the hell out of people's motive's.

I hear what your saying and I know what it means,
One day at time,
I guess that's all there is for any of us.

Thank you for your time,
Your honesty,
And your presence in my life, however small.
I want you to know I appreciate the smile in your voice,
More than you know.


Adoringly yours,


Sugar x

Thanks where thanks is due

I just wanted to send out a big Thank you to two very dear friends of mine this morning. Last night I think I was at the lowest point I have been in a long time. My head was totally fucked and emotionally I was crippled beyond help, or so I thought. I couldn't seem to lift this fog that has been clouding my thoughts or shake of this feeling of guilt and self doubt.
But there you were, as always at the end of the phone, calming my fears. Coaxing me out of this darkness that seems to smother me almost daily.
I can never really Thank you enough for your support and guidance, although I will spend each new day trying to be a stronger, more whole person again.
I know I will look back on this time and smile...... eventually.
But while I am still dragging myself through this grief daily, knowing that I have friends like you to rely on makes a whole world of difference.

I love you both.

Adoringly yours,

Sugar x

I'm Back!!!

Well I've been back since Wednesday about midnight, so not had a chance to look or comment on any one's blog..yet! I intend to remedy that this weekend if I get the chance.

First things first, holiday was great, my Mum is doing fine and we enjoyed spending the time with her, my Dad as per usual was an arsehole, so much so that I almost yelled at him while we were out to dinner one night to tell him how much of a prick he was being...but like the good understanding daughter I am, I held all that frustration and aggression in, which unfortunately I think has turned into to rampant horniness.

Which ordinarily would not be a bad thing, but when you are man less in can be a tad fuckin inconvenient!!!

The kids had great fun, they got nicely tanned and frolicked in the sea blissfully day in day out. The flight home was delayed, which made us all a little grouchy, the kids spent the night at their Dad's and I crawled into bed around 1.30am....wide awake!! There's been alot going on in my head since I've been away, alot of shit that needed sorting and really none of it got dealt with, I still came home as fucked up as I had left! Still who wants to be sane in this world?

Yesterday I went back to my jobs, a long day at the school and then my shift in my other job, it was a little strange to say the least and by 8pm I was struggling to stay awake...but then I had to get some groceries once I'd finished my shift and then drive home, and then my friend called and asked if she could bring her new man over so I could 'check him out!' lol Me being the friend I am said 'Of course' but they didn't turn up til 2230 and stayed til almost midnight, by which time I'd gone beyond tired, so I slipped into a bath and stayed there for an hour while I chewed the fat with a good friend over the phone! Finally getting into bed at gone 1.30am where again I was wide awake! lol

Today has been twice as long as yesterday and I did the unthinkable, I lost it in front of a work colleague.... I asked my WANKER of a Boss if I could halve my hours, all to do with being a single parent having certain benefits denied if you work or earn too much blah blah..and he had me go into this whole rigmarole about why I needed to lose them and couldn't I lose them from my other job instead and why was it necessary and...in the end I think I told him most of my private life and left him feeling like I'd bared my soul and feeling pretty shitty about myself. Well I'd almost made it off the shop floor and into my office before the tears came, and by then it was too late to stop the avalanche of self pity that followed....one of the young lads I work with was in the office and was shocked (I am always smiley) and told another member of staff who went looking for me..(I'd escaped to the ladies toilet at this point as I couldn't stop my snivelling!) I was torn between just slinking out of the building and going home, to going back on the shop floor and telling my Boss that I thought he was a prize c**t!!!

I went back to work....

As I say it's been a long day,

There's a lot on my mind,

Most of the stuff I can't even let go of, 'cos who do I tell?

But I know I'll get there, I always do!

Here's to a more relaxing weekend and a better start to next week, 'cos fuck knows I need it!

Adoringly yours

Sugar x