And he said....

At times i may seem distant but I'm am here.
That man who feel in love with you.
My eyes still see your beauty.My arms long for your embrace.
My heart feeds off yours, yearns for yours.

The emptiness I sense is overwhelming us both.
I hear your words but somehow, for some reason,I can't respond.
This feeling inside I have is tearing at my very being.
It scares me.

The love I feel for you is as strong as the day we met.
To know that I'm causing you pain, burns my soul.
It seems so recent that we shared so much.
Those good times will return, I know they will.

Having you in my life has made it so magical, so fantastic.
I want you to know that I love you with all my heart.
I know things will improve and i shall escape this place.
Simply knowing that you are there is priceless.

I'm still here for you.

All my Love.

A. xxx

In the dark

Sometimes I get lost in your dark mood,
It's like a thick, consuming fog bellowing across my very soul,
I know it's not your fault,
I understand you don't choose to be this way,
I can only begin to imagine how it feels for you in the darkness,
That black solitude that grabs a hold of your heart,
Those whirlwind of thoughts that refuse to be reigned in.
But days like today,
I only feel my pain,
And ignore yours.
I only feel the coldness of that lonely smile in your eyes,
And not the welcoming warmth in your arms.
I only feel the sadness,
That threatens to exhaust me,
But not your loving words that are whispered so adoringly.
Today I feel like I am walking uphill,
Through a swamp like mire,
No hand to hold,
No voice to lead me,
Just desolate country side all around me,
And it's cold,
So fuckin' cold.
And who turned the God damn lights off???
You know I hate it in the dark,
Please don't leave me here too long,
For each moment I am here,
My soul becomes more invisible,
Until eventually my spirit disappears,
I don't wanna be invisible anymore...
Do you hear me?

Sugar x

Feeling lucky

I'm afraid of the dark once more,
I can feel this blissful scene slipping through my fingers,
And this time it is out of my control.
What I say,
What I do,
No matter how hard or how all consuming this love is,
This time it might not be enough.

I can feel your grip slowly loosen against mine,
Your fingers are no longer tightly woven within my hand,
I can feel my heart grow cold as your embrace becomes but a memory.
I fight with my words,
Controlling them,
Carefully placing each one, trying not to alarm you or cause you pain,
It startles me that life is so fragile,
That my soul once again lays open to the possibility of so much pain.

I want to run.
To escape these feelings of helplessness,
My hands are useless,
My words no longer touch your ears,
And my heart, the strength that was once there is now fleeting.

I want to hide,
Curl into a ball and lose myself amongst the shadows in the darkness,
Feed off it's strength and vulnerability.

I want to help you,
I need to,
I have to hang onto this Love,
Such adoration has never before touched my soul,
I am ready for it,
Open to it.

So although at times I may seem distant,
I am here,
Beside you,
And there maybe moments when these eyes no longer dance with fire,
But I am here,
Smiling on the inside.
And at times this heart may seem cold and uncaring,
I am here,
Struggling,
But still here,
Always.

Adoringly yours

Sugar x

And his response...........

Sugar

I just needed to let you know a few things. Firstly and most importantly i want to tell you how much you have helped me the past few days. You have dropped everything without hesitation to be by my side. I will never forget that. No-one has ever done that for me before. It makes me feel incredibly lucky that you are my girlfriend. This has been hard for you and whilst I'm struggling with my inner torment, its easy to overlook the fact that you are suffering at the same time. I want you to be able to tell me anything at any time. If its too much for me to take, then I'll tell you so but i don't for one moment want you to feel that you can't talk to me about your troubles. You are my world and i will ALWAYS be there when you need me. Today has been testing for both of us. When I asked you to come with me I put you in an impossible position. If I had been thinking straight I never would have asked you to choose. I do however thank you for helping me. I'm confident that I have reached the bottom and the next steps shall be upwards to a bright future. I'm still frightened about dealing with this, but i also know that I'm a fighter and what we share is worth fighting for. I won't give in to this and knowing that you stand by my side is such a wonderful feeling. I am truly blessed that i have found you. Things will get better, they will, trust me. I'm not about to let this dream fade. These past few weeks have been magical. Those times shall return, of that I'm sure. I hope these words bring you some comfort. I know you are in a bad place yourself, you just hide it better!!! Don't ever feel that you are on your own in that dark abyss. Reach for my hand and it WILL be there. I loved you the moment our eyes met, I love you today, I will love you always.

A xxxx

All I wanna do..

I swear my heart misses a beat when your eyes glaze over,

That all consuming look you bestow upon me,

Enraptures my soul,

I can't tear my gaze from your hypnotic allure.

Your touch upon my skin feels like an electric current,

Igniting my senses teasingly one by one,

Your hands so gentle yet firm almost melt into my skin,

Joining two bodies as one,

Coaxing this wanton desire to the surface.

When you kiss without kissing,

You know that intake of breath when your lips are almost upon mine,

I could fall right into you at that moment and be lost,

Forever.

I can feel that hot claret course through my veins,

As your tongue searches for mine,

Tasting this need,

This insatiable want.

My emotions are in constant battle,

Needing to feed the fire you have set alight in my very soul,

And doing the mundane day to day things of this 'real' existence.

When all I really want to do is slide inside of you,

And surrender my soul to you entirely...

Adoringly yours,

Sugar x

I am Lost!

Beautiful, honeyed whispers caress my neck once more,

Your breath on my skin so wonderfully delicious,

The heat of your persistent desire lingering at my throat,

A touch,

A word,

A moment,

And I am lost,

Forever.

This wanton ambition dizzying all logical thought,

Needing your hand on my already tortured flesh,

Feeding this hunger with each wicked concern,

Always failing to quieten this demon thirst,

For now.

A kiss,

A whisper,

A moment,

And I am lost,

Yours forever.

Sinful images distort my mind,

Beneath your skin this immorality grows,

Pulsing through these veins,

Pushing all boundaries of this insanity.

God, this feels so fuckin good!

Don't stop.....

Adoringly yours,

Sugar x

Funny? Strange?

Funny how I'm so used to your presence,

And yet there is so much to know about you,

Strange how you are so familiar to me,

And still your eyes are full of mystery.

Funny how I know exactly what your thinking,

And yet there are corridors of your mind I have yet to wander,

Strange how you know the very essence of my soul,

And still find new things to learn.

Funny how your hand fits perfectly in mine,

And yet we have only just begun on this journey,

Strange how our paths mysteriously crossed this way,

And still we wonder at the madness of it all.

Funny how you know just when to call,

And yet sometimes still haven't the right words to say,

Strange how even the wrong words sooth my spirit,

And still my heart overflows with love.

Funny how all we ever hear is "take your time".

And yet all we wanna do is run,

Strange how the time apart drags like an eternity,

And still, when we share days together 24 hours is never long enough.

Funny how I've always known you,

And yet we had never met,

Strange how you slot so easily into my life,

And still bring something wondrous and new.

Funny how I thought I had loved before,

And yet have never tasted a dish as sweet as this one,

Strange how my heart was instantly yours,

And still aches each time you leave.

Funny? Nope, just deliriously happy.
Strange? Yeah maybe, but I am loving every minute of this journey.

Adoringly yours,

Sugar x

I adore you

I love hearing you say you are mine,

And knowing that I am yours.

There is a real sense of just being cherished and adored and I want you to feel the same in return.

I love the fact that my day starts with your touch and ends with your whispered word in my ear.

I love the way my body responds to your command like it's always known the voice that caresses this soul into submission.

People may say it's wrong,

And that it's too soon.

And that we're a little bit crazy!

Well "Hell Yeah!"

I am crazy,

And it's probably moving way too fast,

But wrong?

God No.

I have waited for you in the shadows of life,

Silently whispering your name,

Hoping you would find your way home in the dark.

And now you're here.

My heart is full,

My soul once more is at peace,

And my spirit soars on enchanted wings,

Drawing it's strength from the beauty of this pure love.

I simply adore you...

Adoringly yours,

Sugar x

You are beautiful

I know I took the words from the song, but I can't think of a better phrase to tell you just what you mean to me.

You have this amazing ability to make my insides turn to mush and yet at the same time, lift my spirits and strengthen my resolve with just a few simple words.

I am in awe of you more and more each passing day. I think you are the single most amazing person I have ever met, and believe me that is saying something, I've had a fairly colourful life up until now but I am more than ready to sit back and blend into the monochrome and just live, I mean really live not just exist, which is what I think I have been doing all these years.

I never knew that life could be so sweet, my life was already full before you came along..but now I can't possibly imagine 'life' without you in it.

You have bought so much joy into my life in such a small space of time, I am at a loss as how to express myself.

Words that used to come so easily, words that now seem to drip so effortlessly from your lips are buried deep inside me.

There are no words for this feeling.

This Love seems to of captured not only heart but my tongue!

I long to share each waking moment with you and each evening's Goodnight. I ache for the future we can both see stretched out before us.

A family coming together.

Two souls, restless and alone, not really searching but finding each other all the same.

And knowing instantly that your hand fits in mine,

Your spirit dances with the same passion without hearing the song,

Your soul smiles at this familiarity,

As your heart beats in perfect time with my own.

I know with every fibre of my soul that I am yours and that feels so fuckin good.

God I love you!

Adoringly yours,

Sugar x

I'm kind of lost right now,
In a good place...
But so out of control!
I might as well be tied and bound,
For all the good my decisions seem to make.
I'm certain I know what I want,
I know what feels good,
And what feels so totally right,
But is it?

I must admit it's only others self doubt that have me in this quandary,
If it weren't for well meaning friends and loved ones I would be totally alone in the darkness, but as it is I am not.
My heart is full,
Brimming over in fact,
And my head is mesmerized by this overwhelming feeling of adoration,
And it's merciless intoxication.
But I must step back,
Look at this picture and really see it,
Not just live it and breath it,
For it's not only my future,
But the path my loved ones must follow also.
So really I owe it not only to them but to myself to double check I have the right directions this time!

Adoringly yours,

Sugar x

Pieces of my Heart

Deep in the soulful confines of my heart,
I feel you.
I ache for your presence,
Constantly.
Each day that passes I feel my heart swell evermore,
I never knew here existed.
Your eyes that tell a thousands words,
Whisper reassuringly to my restless spirit.
Your voice, like liquid fire,
Strokes this wanton desire,
Yet, without touching.
There is no need,
Each word that leaves your lips,
Gently carresses my soul into submission.
And I go willingly,
For the passion that inflames these thoughts,
Is unrepentant,
Raging within itself,
Torturing my already crazed mind.
Dancing within the realms of Lust and Love,
Each one feeding off the other.
Deliciously oblivious to any sane thought,
Choosing only to know what is in my heart.
For it is you that has opened this door,
Allowed me in,
And held out your hand to hold,
The Pieces of my Heart.


I love you


Forever yours,


Sugar x

Explaining myself...

...well as fully as I can here.
Friday's post was because I was waiting for your call, needing to hear from you, hoping to hear...
I thought you were gonna call Wednesday, but No and Yes I understand that at times it is difficult for you and I appreciate that. But something you said played on my mind...
"I can't give you any kind of commitment because of my situation.....you know they come first. I really like you and I would love it if we're really close friends ...... you've been hurt and I'm worried that this is not what you need right now...."
You said quite a lot actually, not that I was listening at the time, cos all I wanted to do once I had you to myself was get close to you.
You were right of course.
I need more, right now I need commitment and security and a phone number I can actually use!!!
I went crazy for two days waiting for a phone call from a man who has very little of himself to give, and I have so much...so much inside of me just bursting to to convey to the world. But I don't want to hide, don't wanna shield myself from my friends.
I've hurt enough, and even though it was only a few weeks, I realised that I wanted way more than you were able to give, I'm sure I'm worth more than that.
The fucked up post was because I thought when we said Goodbye, the kiss..... that that was it, it didn't feel right, did it to you? I dunno whether it was nerves or just fate slapping us in the face, but I felt like it was pretty much one sided and that didn't make me feel too good.
I'm sorry you've not been able to get hold of me, it wasn't intentional. My phone went tits up this morning, yesterday I wasn't around and you know if you leave me a message I have no way of saying I received it or returning the favour either.....
My head is sorted at last, I know what I want.
I've just gotta sit and wait for that clock to tick a little more...

I hope we remain friends, I think your one of life's good guys and I'd like to think we made a connection, I guess maybe it just wasn't the right time for either of us.
Keep Smiling.

Adoringly yours

Sugar x

FUCK NO!

Fuck!

Fuck!!

Fuck!!!

Dammit I think I screwed up.

And there is fuck all I can do about it, except, to say I'm sorry.

I'm Sorry....

Adoringly yours

Sugar x

I have no control here

I still feel your presence,
Even after your whispered Goodbye.
Your taste lingers on my lips,
Intoxicating these veins with a 'demon' I try hard to control.
Desire ravages my thoughts,
As I struggle helplessly to still this fiery blood.
I have no control here.
My hands want to touch,
Needing to devour every inch of you.
Welcoming each curve and sinew,
Relishing every inch of this newness.
I can feel Lust's determined hands around my throat,
Kneading this wanton ache.
Feeding my hunger and yet...
Drenching me with a thirst that consumes each waking thought.
I have no control here.
My fingers longing to satisfy this need you have aroused once more,
Dance playfully amongst this wickedness.
Knowing there is only one end to this game,
My flesh burns as ambition envelopes each last thread of resistance.
For here in the flames of admiration,
I go willingly into this impassioned playground.
I have no control here,
And nor do I wish to!

Adoringly yours,

Sugar x

Lost...

Confused and unsure.

Did I make you run?

I'm sorry...

Adoringly yours,

Sugar x

Patience...

.......is what she said.
It's what you need!

And she was right.

With patience, I smiled once more this morning.
Put right some things that had been on hold and playing on my mind.
Heard a few things that made me question whether I am on the right path again,
But I've kind of vowed not to look too far ahead, not to have too many self doubts and just go with my gut feeling, rather than trying to analyse the hell out of people's motive's.

I hear what your saying and I know what it means,
One day at time,
I guess that's all there is for any of us.

Thank you for your time,
Your honesty,
And your presence in my life, however small.
I want you to know I appreciate the smile in your voice,
More than you know.


Adoringly yours,


Sugar x

Thanks where thanks is due

I just wanted to send out a big Thank you to two very dear friends of mine this morning. Last night I think I was at the lowest point I have been in a long time. My head was totally fucked and emotionally I was crippled beyond help, or so I thought. I couldn't seem to lift this fog that has been clouding my thoughts or shake of this feeling of guilt and self doubt.
But there you were, as always at the end of the phone, calming my fears. Coaxing me out of this darkness that seems to smother me almost daily.
I can never really Thank you enough for your support and guidance, although I will spend each new day trying to be a stronger, more whole person again.
I know I will look back on this time and smile...... eventually.
But while I am still dragging myself through this grief daily, knowing that I have friends like you to rely on makes a whole world of difference.

I love you both.

Adoringly yours,

Sugar x

I'm Back!!!

Well I've been back since Wednesday about midnight, so not had a chance to look or comment on any one's blog..yet! I intend to remedy that this weekend if I get the chance.

First things first, holiday was great, my Mum is doing fine and we enjoyed spending the time with her, my Dad as per usual was an arsehole, so much so that I almost yelled at him while we were out to dinner one night to tell him how much of a prick he was being...but like the good understanding daughter I am, I held all that frustration and aggression in, which unfortunately I think has turned into to rampant horniness.

Which ordinarily would not be a bad thing, but when you are man less in can be a tad fuckin inconvenient!!!

The kids had great fun, they got nicely tanned and frolicked in the sea blissfully day in day out. The flight home was delayed, which made us all a little grouchy, the kids spent the night at their Dad's and I crawled into bed around 1.30am....wide awake!! There's been alot going on in my head since I've been away, alot of shit that needed sorting and really none of it got dealt with, I still came home as fucked up as I had left! Still who wants to be sane in this world?

Yesterday I went back to my jobs, a long day at the school and then my shift in my other job, it was a little strange to say the least and by 8pm I was struggling to stay awake...but then I had to get some groceries once I'd finished my shift and then drive home, and then my friend called and asked if she could bring her new man over so I could 'check him out!' lol Me being the friend I am said 'Of course' but they didn't turn up til 2230 and stayed til almost midnight, by which time I'd gone beyond tired, so I slipped into a bath and stayed there for an hour while I chewed the fat with a good friend over the phone! Finally getting into bed at gone 1.30am where again I was wide awake! lol

Today has been twice as long as yesterday and I did the unthinkable, I lost it in front of a work colleague.... I asked my WANKER of a Boss if I could halve my hours, all to do with being a single parent having certain benefits denied if you work or earn too much blah blah..and he had me go into this whole rigmarole about why I needed to lose them and couldn't I lose them from my other job instead and why was it necessary and...in the end I think I told him most of my private life and left him feeling like I'd bared my soul and feeling pretty shitty about myself. Well I'd almost made it off the shop floor and into my office before the tears came, and by then it was too late to stop the avalanche of self pity that followed....one of the young lads I work with was in the office and was shocked (I am always smiley) and told another member of staff who went looking for me..(I'd escaped to the ladies toilet at this point as I couldn't stop my snivelling!) I was torn between just slinking out of the building and going home, to going back on the shop floor and telling my Boss that I thought he was a prize c**t!!!

I went back to work....

As I say it's been a long day,

There's a lot on my mind,

Most of the stuff I can't even let go of, 'cos who do I tell?

But I know I'll get there, I always do!

Here's to a more relaxing weekend and a better start to next week, 'cos fuck knows I need it!

Adoringly yours

Sugar x

Postcards from the heart

I know it's strange,
But I miss the sound of you,
The way your soft lilted accent slides in and out of our conversations.

I know it's strange,
But I miss watching the minutes tick by waiting for your call,
Longing for the smile in your voice.

I know it's strange,
But I miss the comfort of knowing you are in my tomorrow,
As you slowly reveal yourself to me, cautiously but with honesty.

I know it's strange,
But I miss the fiery warmth in my blood,
That heat as you stand a little too close to me.

I know it's strange,
But I miss the sweet, gentle touch of your lips,
As they tentatively introduce themselves to mine.

I know all these things may seem a little odd. And really what is it that we are doing here?
This "thing" has yet to start if it ever really existed. Surely there is only heartache here, what else may come of this attraction?
Is that what this is?
Or is it something else entirely.

Is this just lust and loneliness combined? One stranger lost and in need of comfort, the other not yet lost but needed to be loved, wanted and adored?
Is this just two people frantically searching for the light in the darkness, two souls adrift in need of nourishment, dining at the first welcoming table they find?
Is this a man who's life is at a crossroads and who no longer wishes to live half a life, who is ready to hold out a hand and offer at least a part of himself to another?
Who saw something beyond a smile and a pleasing word,
Who's spirit was curious enough to follow this lead.
Or is this just a "devil" of a man playing with time?
Feeding on insecurities with only one goal on his agenda?
Is this a man with no principals except when it comes to guarding his own safety?
Who is this man?

Please don't make me wait!
I miss you...

Adoringly yours

Sugar x

Distant memories from a friend

Distant memories, the ones you cant quite remember but you will never quite forget. If all of us have memories that we wish to lay to rest then how do we move on and how do we go about our lives at best.



These are the thoughts that can haunt a man from day to day whether he wishes to remember them or not, yes these are the things that can drive a man to the edge of darkness and leaves him with no idea how to retreat. I have these memories trapped within my soul and have souls trapped within my spirit, you see a man can only be as good as the people allow him that become his family and thus become his life. If there is a god and I hope and in an ironic way that there is, then shall I be forgiven for all that I have done. Yes if there is a god and there is a reckoning at the end, I was once told by a reliable source that he would forgive me for anything, I wonder if this is true and like an insurance salesman once said, everything covers anything but that which you wish to claim for, except that which you need, does it seem like I am rambling, does it seem that I don't quite know where I am in this life at this present time. Hey you would be right, if you can make any sense of this then you are truly a better person than I.



You see when a good friend of mine asked for a guest article to be written, fantastic things went through my mind, after reading the beautiful poetry, comments and thoughts that have been left on her site, the some what more extravagant side of me was going to write you an elaborate tale of sex, lies and imagination and then I began to think, HEY nobody is going to read this so I can actually write down what ever is on my mind at this time, so here's for the short stuff.



I love my wife, she makes me complete, I love my lover she's fantastic in bed, out of bed, on the kitchen side and any other place we get the urge and best of all I love my best friend, who sits here typing for me, as if she didn't I would still be here a week next Tuesday with one very sore finger. So there you go the ramblings of a lunatic.



Thank god sugar's coming back otherwise I might have to fill this with porn next time.

Oh bugger it, read the next one and I will see what I can do, after all I have got to have one seriously perverted thought in my mind worth talking about, after all I did say I wanted forgiveness.



Ghostwalker

Away..for a while

This morning, in three and a half hours precisely my brother will be picking up myself and the kids and taking us to the airport, where at 9am we will board a flight to go see my Mum for two weeks of R & R... I can't wait.
This break has been a long time coming, it's been booked since April and promised for the last two years, sadly we will be one short, my eldest daughter's father hasn't allowed her to come (double Grrrrr) on this trip. The trip was booked when I was with Biker Guy, so not only do I have a spare ticket I can't fill I can't cancel it either, so I am at a loss in all directions.
I'm a little nervous about travelling on my own with the kids, we have E-tickets which we have to pick up on arrival so once they are in my hand and I am at the boarding gate I will be worry free, well that's if I've managed to keep my sanity with two tired, over excited and no doubt bored kids! I will be filling there rucksacks shortly with a whole manner of goodies to keep them occupied for the journey, with luck!
And what do I have in mine? A large dose of sanity and plenty of headache pills, I do not intend to go sleep tonight, for one I am afraid I may not wake up on time and I am my brother;'s alarm call and two, chances are I'd fall asleep just as the alarm was about to go off, so I'm biting the bullet and keeping awake all night and will hope to sleep on the plane.
Although sod's law I haven't been sleeping lately and tonight when i need to be awake, I feel incredibly tired...go figure!!
I still have cases to unpack and re-pack, took too many clothes last time we went, this time I am being ruthless, I mean how many clothes can you wear lying on the beach all day???
I am gonna miss my friends, my good friend C who I speak to at least twice a day will be on my mind while I am away I'm sure, I will be looking forward to a coffee and a gossip when I get back sweetheart.
And as for you I'm gonna miss your presence more than I dare to admit, you've become a shard of light in this constant darkness.
When I feel like my head is drowning in all this negative shit around me, there you are with a cheerful word or an optimistic notion.
I just want you to know I am appreciative of your time and although I yell for more I know that patience is a virtue...sadly virtue is not my middle name!
There maybe other's writing here while I am gone, or even myself if I can be bothered to drag myself out of the sunshine and into an Internet cafe...you never know the need to blog or at least read and comment on others is an almost irresistible urge.
So for now it's Au Revoir until I return.
Take Care of each other.

Adoringly yours

Sugar x